The Gospel of Obama

(Source: The Times online)

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.

The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.

When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”

In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.
Background

* Obama fears the Blair effect as tour continues

* The Europhiles are not the future, Mr Obama

* The Bugle - Barack Obama is coming to Europe!

* Our leaders go after some Obama magic

And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the light unto all the world.

He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the

Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.

And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.

From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.

And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.

And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.

From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.

In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.

As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.

And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.

The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.

And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.

Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.

And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.

Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.

But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.

And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.

Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.

On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.

And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”



(Source:Mark Shea)

A collage of quotes from sycophantic supporters and Obama's own speeches.


The Beginning of the Gospel of Barack Obama, the Son of God (According to Mark Shea)

1:1 As it is written in the AP Manual, "Behold, I send my press corps before thy face, who shall prepare thy way". And so it came to pass that pundits went forth into all that country, preaching a vote of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. And lo, these pundits spake by the Spirit of the Age, going into all their towns and cities and declaring:

1:2 "He is not operating on the same plane as ordinary politicians. . . .[he is] the agent of transformation in an age of revolution, as a figure uniquely qualified to open the door to the 21st century." - Gary Hart

1:3 "Barack Obama is our collective representation of our purest hopes, our highest visions and our deepest knowings . . . He's our product out of the all-knowing quantum field of intelligence." - Eve Konstantine

1:4 "This is bigger than Kennedy. . . . This is the New Testament." "I felt this thrill going up my leg. I mean, I don't have that too often. No, seriously. It's a dramatic event." - Chris Matthews

1:5 "[Obama is] creative imagination which coupled with brilliance equals wisdom . . . [He is] the man for this time." - Toni Morrison

1:6 "Obama's finest speeches do not excite. They do not inform. They don't even really inspire. They elevate. . . . He is not the Word made flesh, but the triumph of word over flesh . . . Obama is, at his best, able to call us back to our highest selves." - Ezra Klein

1:7 "Obama has the capacity to summon heroic forces from the spiritual depths of ordinary citizens and to unleash therefrom a symphonic chorus of unique creative acts whose common purpose is to tame the soul and alleviate the great challenges facing mankind." - Gerald Campbell

1:8 "We're here to evolve to a higher plane . . . he is an evolved leader . . . [he] has an ear for eloquence and a Tongue dipped in the Unvarnished Truth." - Oprah Winfrey

1:9 “I would characterize the Senate race as being a race where Obama was, let’s say, blessed and highly favored. That’s not routine. There’s something else going on. I think that Obama, his election to the Senate, was divinely ordered. . . . I know that that was God’s plan." - Bill Rush

1:10 Therefore did the multitudes go out to Obama in the wilderness of Iowa, Alaska, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Carolina, and Utah. And seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

1:11 Blessed are those who Believe. For they shall say, “Yes We Can!”

1:12 Blessed are those who say, “Yes We Can!”, for they shall audaciously Hope.

1:13 Blessed are those who Hope, for they shall speak of Change.

1:14 Blessed are those who speak of Change, for they shall Get Fired Up.

1:15 Blessed are those who Get Fired Up, for they be baptized with the Spirit of the Age.

1:16 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst during long rallies, for they shall drink the waters of Evian and I shall not lose my photo op.

1:17 Blessed are we. For we are the ones we have been waiting for. We are the Change that we seek.

1:18 Blessed are you, when men shall question you, and ask specifics, and seek all manner of policy detail for clarity’s sake. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad: for so persecuted they the vague-minded which were before you. They shall drag you before TV cameras and microphones, and ask all manner of questions about specifics and you shall give testimony to me before the kings of the earth. But he that remains vague until the end shall receive a great reward in the Administration that is come.

1:19 And behold, great multitudes from Idaho, Alabama, Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, Virginia, and Washington followed him, And more than ever believers were added to Obama, multitudes both of men and women, so that when he came by they might at least touch the hem of his garment.

1:20 And the All Knowing Quantum Field of Intelligence did extraordinary miracles by the hands of Obama, so that handkerchiefs were carried away from his body to the worshippers, and spirits of cynicism came out of them and they were found dressed and in their left minds.

1:21 Many who heard him were astonished, saying, "Where did this man get all this? What is this wisdom given to him?"

1:22 And they were amazed at him. For he went throughout the land, preaching new wine for new wineskins and the multitudes came to him in prayer and supplication.

1:23 Therefore did his disciples proclaim: "If any one thirst, let him come to Obama and drink. He who believes in Obama, as the scripture has said, 'Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.'" He is the Chosen One consubstantial with the Father and the Paraclete.

1:24 For Obama is our peace, who has made the two Americas one, and has broken down the dividing wall of hostility. Now, speaking in vague generalities, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Obama, from whom the one big organism, joined and knit together by every joint with which it is supplied, when each part is working properly, makes bodily growth and upbuilds itself in love of him.

1:25 And behold, there appeared a great wonder in the heavens, a woman clothed in stylish raiment, with Jimmy Choo heels under her feet and necklace of 12 beads around her neck, interceding for the faithful.

1:26 And there appeared another wonder in heaven: Behold! A great dragon in a pantsuit. And her tail drew the third part of the superdelegates, and did cast them into four star restaurants to schmooze them.

1:27 And there was war in heaven: Blessed Michelle fought against the dragon; that old serpent, called Rodham, and Clinton, which deceiveth the whole electorate.

1:28 There were signs in the Sun and moon, and Blessed Michelle appeared unto millions on televisions, iPods, and streaming computers warning that the consummation of all things was at hand and saying "He that is whole needeth not the physician, but he that is sick. Thy broken hearts are restless till they rest in Obama."

1:29 And behold the Good News spread and multiplied, so that the monks of Clooney came to him and declared, “Master! I will follow you wherever you go!” and a sister of the Halle Name went before him, making straight his path, lest at any time Obama dash his foot against a paper cup.

1:30 And on the third day, he rose in the polls.

1:31 And the dragon was exceeding wroth, and went to make war on with the remnant of uncommitted delegates. But though she struck at his heel, he crushed her head.

1:32 For lo, all that was written by the pundits must be fulfilled, for it was necessary that Obama go from race to race and glory to glory, for he is with us always! He is the Alpha and the Omega of American History, who was and who is and who is to come. For the Metaphysical Force is with him.

1:33 Amen! Marana tha! Come, Lord Obama! The Spirit of the Age and the Brights say, “Come!” Even so, come, Lord Obama! And we shall have no God but Caesar!”