From Saint to Saint: St. Augustine and Santa Teresa de Jesús [St. Theresa of Avila] (1515-1582)

From Chapter 9 of her Autobiography:

A this time I was given the Confessions of Saint Augustine to

read, and it seemed the Lord had willed it on purpose since I

did not ask for the book nor had I ever seen it before. I am a

great admirer of Saint Augustine since the monastery where I

was a secular nun was of his order and also because he was a

sinner and then the Lord turned him toward Himself. I found

much consolation in the Saints, thinking that they would aid

me. For since as the Lord had pardoned them so He would me.

But one thing discomforted me, as I have already mentioned.

That God had called them all one time and they didn’t fall

again. And since by then my falls had been so numerous I

despaired. But considering the love He had shown toward me

on so many occasions I became excited again, never distrusting

His Mercy.

Oh God help me so great was the hardness of my soul even with

all the succor the Lord had granted me! I became frightened at

how little I was able to do with myself. And how tied down I

was, unable to give myself fully to the Lord. As I started to read

the Confessions I thought I saw myself there and began to

commend myself to this glorious Saint. And when I got to the

part about his conversion and read how he heard a voice in a

garden it appeared that the Lord was calling me alone in my

heart. With great affliction and fatigue within myself I broke

down into tears for a long while. How much a soul suffers My

God, when it cedes the lordship needed to stay in control! Oh

how many torments does it suffer! I am amazed now how mine

could ever live in such torment. God be praised, that he gave

me life so I could get out of such mortal death! It seems to me

that upon hearing my cries He had pity on my many tears and

my soul gained great strength from His Majesty as a result.

6. En este tiempo me dieron las Confesiones de san Agustín, que parece el Señor lo ordenó, porque yo no las procuré, ni nunca las había visto. Yo soy muy aficionada a san Agustín, porque el monasterio a donde estuve seglar era de su Orden; y también por haber sido pecador, que de los Santos, que después de serlo el Señor tornó a sí, hallaba yo mucho consuelo, pareciéndome en ellos había de hallar ayuda; y que como los había el Señor perdonado, podía hacer a mí: salvo, que una cosa me desconsolaba, como he dicho, que a ellos solo una vez los había el Señor llamado, y no tornaban a caer, y a mí eran ya tantas, que esto me fatigaba; mas considerando en el amor que me tenía, tornaba a animarme que de su misericordia jamás desconfié, de mí muchas veces.

7. ¡Oh válame Dios, cómo me espanta la reciedumbre, que tuvo mi alma, con tener tantas ayudas de Dios! Háceme estar temerosa lo poco que podía conmigo, y cuán atada me veía, para no me determinar a darme del todo a Dios. Como comencé a leer las Confesiones, paréceme me veía yo allí; comencé a encomendarme mucho a este glorioso santo. Cuando llegué a su conversión, y leí, como oyó aquella voz en el huerto, no me parece sino que el Señor me la dio a mí, según sintió fin corazón: estuve por gran rato que toda me deshacía en lágrimas, y entre mí mesma con gran aflicción, y fatiga. ¡Oh qué sufre un alma, válame Dios, por perder la libertad que había de tener de ser señora, y qué de tormentos padece! yo me admiro ahora, cómo podía vivir en tanto tormento, sea Dios alabado, que me dio vida para salir de muerte tan mortal: paréceme, que ganó grandes fuerzas mi alma de la divina Majestad, y que debía oír mis clamores, y haber lástima de tantas lágrimas. (Libro de la vida, cap. IX)